When I was fifteen my boyfriend raped me. Some recent events plus many many triggering thoughts and things have brought up a continues string of unstoppable thoughts leading to what feels like the onset of a horrid depression.
Is it sick of me to say bring it?
I've spent six years holding it in, crying myself to sleep, comparing everyone one man and female to him, I've become disgusting fat and ugly, I've fought tooth and nail the whole way down and now I'm here and I don't care.
I just don't fucking care, I'm going to eat what I won't when I want but that doesn't even matter I'm going to sit I'm going to sit here and be miserable because I don't care it is not my fucking job to make everyone think I am okay, because you know what I'm not I am not okay in any fucking way I wasn't okay then and I am not okay now. 6 years later and I'm still not okay. I still think of you everyday, I still think of you every fucking day, and I just wish I could say they are all bad thoughts but most of them aren't most of them are me thinking about how much I loved you and how much I thought you loved me and how much I miss you and how I've never loved anyone like that since and I never will because I ya you everything my fifteen year old self gave you my all and you taught me the most valuable lesson I have ever learned it doesn't matter if you try or not it will always end and it will always end badly, you can pretend and pretend all you want that everything will be okay, but it all ends the same, they end up forgetting the pain they caused they move on and forget you and stay sad and exactly the same.
If I could I would cut you out of my tattered heart and lay there til I die.
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