What a way to start the new year...

Alone, because my drunk ass roomate\ fuck buddy can't understand texting, I say on my couch all night waiting for him to come home. Sorry if I don't seem excited for the new year

Worst idea ever or...

Ingenuitive thinking? I decided that I am going to let my muscles warm up in my steam room shower I just created and then I am going to get dressed if I can find my pants, and then I am going for a run/walk/crawl. Not to bad right? Well then there is all the beer I drank because I'm an idiot and have in after forever and I am just wondering how far it would take for me to throw it all up.... I am sick ...

Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard to just ask someone to talk to me, or just help me? I know it's not because its 4:36 because that is just an excuse I wouldn't do it if it were 2 in the afternoon. I know it's not because of the people, I know they would at least listen if I would only speak, why can't they tell? Why can't they tell all the words I never say? When will anyone just ask me, make me say it, make me scream it, please make it stop. My only friends are an imaginary monster from my past, a drug I fear to name, and the thought that this all just a horrid dream.

I was raped.

When I was fifteen my boyfriend raped me. Some recent events plus many many triggering thoughts and things have brought up a continues string of unstoppable thoughts leading to what feels like the onset of a horrid depression.

Is it sick of me to say bring it?
I've spent six years holding it in, crying myself to sleep, comparing everyone one man and female to him, I've become disgusting fat and ugly, I've fought tooth and nail the whole way down and now I'm here and I don't care.

I just don't fucking care, I'm going to eat what I won't when I want but that doesn't even matter I'm going to sit I'm going to sit here and be miserable because I don't care it is not my fucking job to make everyone think I am okay, because you know what I'm not I am not okay in any fucking way I wasn't okay then and I am not okay now. 6 years later and I'm still not okay. I still think of you everyday, I still think of you every fucking day, and I just wish I could say they are all bad thoughts but most of them aren't most of them are me thinking about how much I loved you and how much I thought you loved me and how much I miss you and how I've never loved anyone like that since and I never will because I ya you everything my fifteen year old self gave you my all and you taught me the most valuable lesson I have ever learned it doesn't matter if you try or not it will always end and it will always end badly, you can pretend and pretend all you want that everything will be okay, but it all ends the same, they end up forgetting the pain they caused they move on and forget you and stay sad and exactly the same.

If I could I would cut you out of my tattered heart and lay there til I die.

Just not sure what to do...

I have been allowing myself to be an a distressing relationship with someone who wants to be able to abuse me like I'm his girlfriend but won't even make the commitment to be my boyfriend.

Last night was just sickening; I would go as far as saying it was borderline rape. I hate that but I told him all day I didn't want to play he was drunk and still drinking and kept trying to turn it around on me and tell me I told him I wanted to...

I hate where I am at and I hate that allowed something as simple as role playing turn into a real life dilemma.

Idk. And I ruined my morning I ate :
1/2 a bag of steamed potatoes and butter herb 150 Cals
1 bowl of gluten free rice cereal 230 Cals

I hate me.

I also was wondering if I should....

Post pre-op and post-op pics of my breasts... Not sure if anyone would be interested they are pretty graphic.

Let me know if u are interested... My one follower lol. I'm lame.

Today Went Pretty Swell:

• Moved my bed to my mothers
• Moved my bookcases to my mothers and found an unexpected but so wonderful place to set them.
• got to talk to Owl, she says she isn’t feeling to well.
• I had:
• Bullet Smoothie:
• one banana
• 1.5c Kale
• 1c baby spinach
• 1/2 tbsp. Spirulina
• 2 tsp. Cinnamon
• 2 tbsp. agave nectar
• FiberOne Bar
• I stopped myself from eating a bowl of frosted flakes.

I have to say it was a pretty good day, I am however still struggling not to eat the cereal, but I can do it.

How was everyone else’s day?

Let’s see how this goes…

Well I decided to back up my computer for the first time since I have ever owned it so lets see how this goes… and now I am bored because my computer is running to slow for me to do anything.

 

I was thinking early about how I missed the cold weather, fall and winter are my favorite seasons, I love the chilly weather having to curl up with hot cocoa to get warm.

 

I also love be naked though…

strange fact # 234.

I might as well admit now, that I am odd.

It has been so long, but alas I am back and for along time…

One more month and I will be living at my mother’s house again where I will have internet full time again! Woo! On top of that I am starting school at the end of this month. I have already been studying my Biology Unit. I am so excited!

As far as diet and exercise goes, I have been on a horrible roller coaster, up in weight, down in cals, up in cals, down in weight; it’s a never ending cycle of craziness.

I am now allergic to Gluten, Dairy, and Yeast. Sad day when I realized my binges are LITERALLY killing me.

I wish I knew how to just not eat ever again and never feel nauseas or weak from it. I also wish I could get organized and grow the hell up. I am 21 years old, and it seems like I havent done anything.

Anyways, not sure what else to say at this time.

Gnite.